Coming Out of the Closet
The decision to make public a very private but consuming part of your life is not an easy one to make. Having everyone know your innermost secrets and struggles causes an exponential increase in your daily vulnerability. Not knowing how others will react to your recent disclosure can deter anyone from opening up their heart, but the constant suffering in silence can, at times, be more than one can bear. I cannot ever know if revealing my journey will be beneficial or detrimental to my already fragile emotional health but, regardless, I will pray to be uplifted and supported. My wish is that by reaching out I will encounter others with similar struggles where a reciprocal relationship of encouragement can begin or that my words will provide confirmation to someone else suffering in silence.
* Deep Breath *
and begin…
Infertility. It’s a powerful word but the subject is not heavily prevalent in our culture. Though we see plenty of end results in the media such as John and Kate+8 or ‘Octomoms’, the journey is a lonely and silent one. This is a journey I never expected to take and our final destination is still buried in the unknown. When we began our plan for a family in April of 2008, I never would have imagined that here in November of 2010 we would still be waiting. The past two and half years have been fraught with hoping, yearning, doubt, depression, anger, jealousy, and fatigue. Since 2008, we have gotten jobs, finished school, moved to Huntsville, been without jobs, gotten jobs, and moved again, but throughout all of that upheaval we have still been trying and waiting.
Though arguably it has not been ‘our time’ yet and God’s timing is perfect, the fact remains that something is not right. As our careers and home life begin to stabilize, the hole caused by our infertility begins to grow. I have thought about it every month for the past thirty-one months and everyday for the past nine hundred and twenty-five days. It feels as though I go through my life with a heavy weight on my shoulders that I cannot take off and that no one can see. As we continue to pray and wait for God’s perfect timing, I request the added prayers of those we know and hope that my new found voice will help ease the burden that I carry.
5 comments:
I'll be praying for you. Before marriage I feared such things since I'd had surgery for advanced endometriosis and the doctor wasn't confident that I'd be able to conceive naturally. However, those fears were never realized. Therefore, I can't begin to fathom what you are going through. May God bless you with the desire of your heart.
You are loved and prayed for every day. -Emily
Katie I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Mike and I were married for 10 years before we were blessed with a baby and then it was another 6 before the second one. I well remember the feelings then.
My belief is that things really do happen for a reason, even though we cannot always know or understand why. As I look back at our lives, I can now see why it was better for the girls to arrive when they did. And I want to encourage you not to give up hope.
I second what Emily said. Always thinking about you.
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