Faith and Chicken Counting

Well, the house is a mess. It was clean and cute and ready to for the world in February but in March, every thing broke down and we haven't caught up yet. 

On March 3rd, I found out I was pregnant and we were due to become a family of four on November 11th. But this second pregnancy was different. While waiting for Isaac, I was ready. I was ready to change the house. I was ready to change our lives. I was ready for the financial change. I was ready to change my job. I was ready to change. But this time, I was unsure. I feared there was no space for change in the house. I feared the change in our lives. I feared the financial change. I feared a change in jobs. I was afraid to change.

In those first newly married dreams, I always envisioned us as a family of six. Family; that was my main priority and my ultimate goal. But how quickly and easily I fell. 

The stress of work, balancing childcare schedules, finances, church commitments, community involvement, harp practice and harp gigs, weight loss and body image, keeping the house picked up and clean, eating healthily; it all seems too much. I feel like I barely can keep my head above water and though everything gets done, nothing is done the best. It felt almost selfish to wish for another child, that that was a burden our family could not handle.

But then, that choice was not mine. The child was there. I was happy but I was afraid. I felt guilty for this fear. This had been my longing, my prayer, to have a big family. I felt guilty for the pregnancy. This would be another responsibility for our family.

We didn't immediately tell everyone this time, but we did tell very early on. There was excitement. There was planning. There was joy. And I felt relieved and grateful.

We could do this. We aren't rich, but we are solid. We have support. God has provided for us always, He won't stop now. It will take extra effort and sacrifice but we have been progressing this way already. Family is not a burden.

But then, those plans were gone. It's amazing the journey you can take in just two weeks. 

I knew that something was not right. Though constantly assured by the doctor's office that this was all potentially perfectly normal, I feared. For days, I went to work, I went to church, I met with family, not knowing if there was life inside me or not. It was horrible. I would go to the bathroom a hundred times a day to see how much blood there was and there was never a lot, but it was always there. I couldn't wish the blood away.

I deleted the 'due date' off my calendar for November.

My life went on, it never even blinked. There were still classes to teach, concerts to direct, harp gigs to play, and a child to love and care for. Survive until summer.

But Now it's time to get serious and do some deep cleaning, organizing, and revamping, but hey, that's what summer is all about for two school teachers. It's time to stop surviving, to catch up, and start thriving.

Though it's pretty typical for us to invest time during the summer to some extent of culling, cleaning, reorganizing, redecorating, and revamping, this summer was set to be a major overhaul. With a now active toddler and the ever accumulation of new toys and clothes, it has become apparent that we need more storage and a new organizational structure to keep up. 

But this summer, we'll go one step further. Stepping out in faith, we're preparing the house. We're preparing our lives. We're preparing our finances. We're preparing our jobs. We are preparing.  It won't be in November, and we have no idea when, but we'll be ready.