While Waiting

A Message and Reminder to Myself

1. Define Your Life by What it is Now

As someone who met the love of my life at the age of 15, I pressured myself, feeling the push to begin family life. Engaged at 20 and then married at 22 after seven years of dating, I was ready to have a home and a family. When deciding on a major and debating on my career options, my number one consideration was always 'what would work best for being a Mom?' I ultimately decided on music education and my goal was always to work in a preschool until my children were all school age and then hopefully transition into a school myself. This was the path my mother took. We began our quest for that family at the age of 23 with hopes of going straight from grad school into job/home/family life. This was not to be. The job did not come. The home did not come. The family did not come. At this point you scramble into survivor mode, you do your best and work for these things slowly. 

You can not know how long your journey to motherhood will be, but there is plenty to learn and experience in the here and now. Motherhood (though as amazing and blessed as it is) is not your sole purpose here on Earth. Find your skills and your talents and practice them, work at them, and appreciate them. 

2. Your Child's Purpose is Not for Your Happiness

As I waited for membership into the 'mommy club' I thought of all the wonderful opportunities that would open up for me once my children were here. We would go to Easter egg hunts, fall festivals, children's museums, parks etc... I felt convinced that this child would fill a hole in my heart and in my life. 

Each step along the way, you learn more and more about who this child is. You first learn (s)he is coming, then maybe the gender, and then you meat him/her. After those first smiles, cries, developmental milestones, you see more and more of their unique personality. This is a person, who will have hopes, dreams, aspirations, and fears all their own. God has beautifully and wonderfully made this person with purpose. This person has their own journey, which, thankfully, you are part of. A child is not a cure for your doubts or a final destination for happiness, but thankfully, your child is a part of your journey.

3. Find Things to Enjoy

While I waited for a baby, I searched to find everyday enjoyments in things I liked to do. I read and I read. I read almost one book per week, finding a balance between the classics and 'for fun' books. My husband and I took cake decorating lessons and enjoyed experimenting with cookie decorating. As we traveled around the south for harp gigs, we looked for new and interesting things to see at each location. And with everything we did, we took lots of pictures. I look back on those times with fondness. I certainly would not trade my life now for my life then, but I appreciate those years and that part of our journey.

There are opportunities all around us; events, hobbies, trips... Be a part of the world and take joy in what it has to offer. Find things to look forward to on each day, the weeks ahead, and even months ahead. Concentrate on the good things; if you cannot find them now, you will not be able to find them after.

4. You are Not Second Class

Before I had my son, I was busy and I was tired. I worked a 40 hour a week job, where I taught three separate subjects, across six different grade levels. I wrote lesson plans, and lesson plans and developed my own curriculum. I was averaging at least two harp gigs a month requiring constant practice for these opera/symphony/accompaniment/orchestra parts. I was the assistant director for a children's community chorus and a member of the adult chorus. I attended weekly rehearsals for my church's orchestra and choir and directed one of the children's choirs. I was at church every Sunday for service and Sunday school. I attended church events when I did not have harp conflicts, had regular dinners with friends, and even continued to take harp lessons. All this, and still, I was not half as busy or involved as most others I know.

Of course children are time consuming and there are plenty of sleepless nights but feeling overwhelmed, stretched too thin, and incredibly tired are not exclusive rights to the parents of this world. What you do matters; you are an important part of society and having a child will not make you matter more. Do not let others cause you to feel guilty, and just walk away when someone says "just wait 'till you have kids."

5. Open Up

Almost two and a half years into our journey I began this blog. I had looked and searched for some sort of support group in my area but found nothing. This was the only way I knew of trying to connect with others. Through this blog, I started private dialogues with others who were going through similar struggles. 

It is powerful to connect with others in this way, to share in their triumphs and set backs and to have someone understand. It can be hard to keep everything inside, finding a way to open up can be important. These feelings and struggles are not unique and not rare; I think we would all be surprised how many of us walk the same path. It's hopeful to follow behind someone and meaningful to lead someone too.

6. Take a Break When Needed

One Sunday, a well known author on parenting techniques came to our church. He had lead an all day seminar on the day before and was now teaching an additional class during the Sunday school hour. Church members had the option of attending his class instead of their regularly scheduled classes. On this Sunday, I went to my class as normal only to learn then that our class was going to be cancelled and everyone was expected to go to the parenting lecture. While in the midst of fertility treatments, I just couldn't handle it. My husband and I left and went to Starbucks instead.

Facebook, church, work, school, friends, family... these can all be potentially painful places when you're grieving. There are going to be times when it is just too much. It's okay to walk away sometimes and to miss that baby shower or church event. Everyone needs a chance to regain strength, gather their thoughts, and find their peace.

7. Believe the Best in Others

Two years into our journey, I went to a wedding with a friend who was expecting again. At the reception there were cupcakes and because of a risk of gestational diabetes she was not eating sweets. She remarked to me how lucky I was because I got to eat a cupcake. In my mind I just screamed; I really couldn't care less about a cupcake, I was yearning for a child. As much at this hurt me at the time, I eventually realized, perhaps, that we don't always say things will ill intention.

Constantly feeling hurt and offended is a hard way to live. While of course there are times when people say rude and cruel things, there are other times when people just don't realize how their comments or actions might be received, perceived, or interpreted. Everyone is on their own journey of some kind and the way we all react to our surroundings is unique. You may also not realize times when you have said or done something hurtful to someone else. We all rely on the benefit of the doubt. Don't be quick to sever relationships, when you find a sense of balance again, you will want people in your life.

8. Have Faith

While waiting, I was obsessed with reading stories in books and on the internet of others who had traveled the road of infertility. I never found any satisfaction in any of these stories whether they had happy endings or not. The happy ending stories made me feel jealous and insecure and the sad ending stories made me feel hopeless. I was convinced I could find answers in statistics and medical websites, but they just left me feeling even more lost than ever before. 

Prayer is something I don't at all claim to understand but I do believe God listens, God is active, and God cares. I'm not sure how this translates into an answer to our prayers exactly, but I believe there is a plan for our lives and God has a will for us. We may not know the future and that is really hard for me, but trusting is important. Though I'm thankful for the medical information available and I love to be informed, ultimately I found no answers in statistics and medical websites.  We won't know the future but we cannot become paralyzed by fear. Living with all this worry and anxiety weighs too hard on your shoulders. Have faith. 

9. Don't Be Nearsighted: There is Hurt All Around You

While I was waiting for a baby, taking fertility drugs, having monthly blood tests, charting and tracking everything, and going to the doctor for procedures and appointments, it was easy to feel isolated in my own grief. The truth is, there was grief all around me; there was waiting all around me. A facebook friend and mother of some classmates of mine was so sweet to comment and lend me her support even as she traveled through her own medical difficulties. I attended her funeral while pregnant.

As hard as infertility is, times of wait and grief cannot be ranked. There are those waiting for jobs and careers, waiting for a home of their own, waiting for a husband or wife, and many other important life steps. There are those that are grieving the loss of a pregnancy, a child, a parent, a grandparent, a mentor, or a friend. There are those traveling through hard times such as sickness, or injury, depression, anxiety, a family member overseas, and other difficult journeys. It all matters, and it matters that we recognize this. We never know what lies on the heart of those we meet.

10. Be Thankful

As much as I longed to be a mother, I have always been richly blessed; my husband, my family, my education, our finances and so forth. Though there have been tough times and things haven't turned out the way I planned, God has provided. Too often I became jealous and compared my life to others and found that it fell short.

Not to ever minimize your pain, because it is valid, but it's also very important to count your blessings. Count them everyday, write them down and say them out loud. Life can be hard and all too often it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the negative. Don't become consumed, don't compare. Actively express your thanks.

Ultimately

It's tough, it really is. Become a better person because of your time of wait. Become more sympathetic and empathetic. Learn to listen to others. Learn to consider that in any situation you may not know what someone else is going through. Learn patience and practice counting your blessings. Learn trust. Deepen your faith in God. Make this time meaningful.