Joyful Waiting

Last night we went to Kohl's to look for some khaki pants for the boys. After buying the pants, I perused some of the recently shelved summer items and decided we should stock up some since they were on sale. I picked out a couple of matching shirt/shorts in the preschool section and headed to the toddler section. To my extreme excitement, I discovered I could buy matching big brother/little brothers outfits for them all. I don't know why I never realized this before, in my mind I had pictured our only matching outfits would be church clothes and not school clothes. So I definitely picked up two more sets of outfits that matched the ones I had already gotten. I can't wait until summer when they're all wearing their matching outfits out in the warm sunshine!

I wonder if the boys will be walking yet. They'll probably be crawling at least. Will they be playing together yet? Will Isaac be interacting more with them? Will we have fun together at the park? I am excited. I can't wait until I see more and more of their personalities emerge as they start to explore each other and their environment. I can't wait to see them learn more and more. I can't wait to see them grow.

Before Isaac was born, I was so anxious to become a mother I couldn't stand it. I wanted to go to parks, pumpkin farms, festivals, and museums with my kids. I wanted to sing and paint and play. When Isaac was a baby, we began children's activities as early as possible; we took him to the playground before he was three months old! I loved my little baby Isaac, I cherished each and every milestone but I couldn't wait to get to the next level.

I promised myself that I would cherish those infant moments with the twins, that I wouldn't wish our time away. I vowed to savor each newborn cuddle and to be patient. I know that these are my last little baby kisses, my last pregnancy, my last childbirth, my last time for each little outfit to be worn. But even still, after those first several months, they began to wake up, to smile and giggle and I started getting excited and anxious. I was ready for them to grow. 

I felt guilty. I was wishing our time away. I should relish this time, we are in such a wonderful beautiful stage of our life. We have a wonderful, supportive, and very close family. We don't have any extra money, but we have everything we need and we are secure. We have love and laughter. These are happy times. 

Times won't always be happy though. We have had rough years in the past and we will have rough years again. We will have times of sadness, loss, and fear. I don't know when they will come, but they are inevitable for us all. 

My joy can get sucked out so quickly. Are these the best days of my life? Is it all downhill from here? Will I find happy times in the distant future? Cherishing the present can be hard when you realize how fleeting it is.

Fall is my favorite time of the year. I, along with everyone else it seems, revel in all things pumpkin and apple. I love the colors, the slight crisp to the air, the trees, Halloween, family times, festivals, football games, the works! Then right around the corner is Christmas and we're busy and it's fun and stressful. Then comes January, my very least favorite month. I am now ready for it to be summer. I can't wait for warmer weather, to go to the pool and splash pad. We will play and enjoy our time off together. But then will come August, my second least favorite month of the year. It will be hot and sticky and I will long for Fall to come again. Every year I go through this cycle, excited for the new season to come. 

I used to think how silly it was that when the weather became too warm, I longed for the cooler weather and would vow to myself not to grow weary of the cold. Then after the months of cold, I would long for the warm weather and would vow to myself to not grouse about the heat this year. I never can keep that promise. But now, I am glad to have something to look forward to. 

Enjoying the present is wonderful, these are moments to cherish. It is also wonderful to be excited for the future. I am thankful that I look toward the future with hope. 

I love filling out my calendar for each semester with fun events. I love having times to look forward to. I love waiting anxiously for good things. This is what keeps me going, gets me out of bed, keeps my forward momentum.

Without this momentum, I feel I'll stagnate and grow weary and too sad and afraid to even enjoy the present. 

I'll give myself a break. I'll enjoy these little babies and preschooler today but I'll also allow myself to be ready for the next phase. It's coming whether I want it to or not and I'd rather greet it with open arms and joy than with reluctance and fear.